Writing about forgiveness is difficult for me because, like the Divine and unconditional love, complete forgiveness is almost beyond my ability to fully comprehend. One hurdle can be acceptance. Is forgiveness incomplete until acceptance of the present moment has occurred? I have heard this said by others but had not experienced it from a personal psychological and spiritual perspective, mainly because I had not been injured by another to a degree that it was difficult to forgive. Oddly enough, this experience came about when faced with the truth that I had not forgiven myself for a past action that hurt someone, although I had made amends to the best of my ability. My side of the street had been swept and there were no resentments towards the other person. Then I realized that they had blocked me from their life. With this new realization that the injury to the other had been more than I had been aware of, the remorse returned. I found that I had not fully forgiven myself, though through both faith and experience I knew that God had forgiven me.
How did I know that I had not fully forgiven myself? Because I still felt regret. Complete serenity and peace eluded me. These uncomfortable feelings were not overwhelming, in part because I do live by the spiritual principles of 12-Step recovery and had made amends. But there was a low level of discomfort that increased when triggered by a couple of events. At this point it seemed prudent to examine where I may have missed something for which an amend would be in order. As I searched my conscience, I felt that I was clear as nothing new came to mind.
Then the Light turned a bit and showed me that even before this new awareness of the hurt I had caused I had not forgiven myself. The act was incomplete—I had not accepted the situation as it had been, including the other person, myself, or my actions at the time, which made it impossible to accept things as they are now.
This lack of acceptance had kept me bound to the past, making it impossible to be completely free in the present. As I mentioned earlier, this was not a major disrupter in my life. But it did keep me from the freedom, peace, and serenity that were awaiting me when I accepted myself and the situation as we were then. It was like being on a boat whose anchor is stuck on the bottom of the sea keeping the boat from moving. Acceptance is like cutting the anchor’s line, freeing the boat to move on.
Acceptance does not mean that we approve of the injury/offence/assault that occurred. It simply says that my forgiveness is not conditional on anyone else but me. With acceptance, as sorrowful as the past event may be, I am released from the bondage that bound me to the transgression, whether the transgression was mine or the other’s. This is an act of faith and trust which allows me to let go of judging myself or them.
I am grateful that the Divine is part of all relationships and that our Higher Power wants us to be whole. I am also grateful that, if we are willing, the Light will show us what we need to see when we can see it, while all the time loving us regardless of anything else. It is this Love that I can abandon myself to.
Daniel+
Light's Ways With Daniel 